Pairings! (kinda)
by awesomenesshasar
Summary: Do you ship a pairing? Do you want to write it, but don't know how? Well, look no further! I'm here to give you tips and tricks on how to write them, all the while I mock them. Third chapter: Dipcifica. Rated T for language and sexual themes.
1. Pinecest

A/N: This will be a collection of different tips of how to write certain pairings! You can recommend a pairing for me to write in the reviews! For all those who ship certain things, I will be lightly *cough* heavily *cough* mocking each pairing, so if you can't handle that, you should probably click away right now.

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravity Falls, or mean any offense to people who ship Pinecest.

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><p>Hello there! Are you a huge fan of Pinecest, but have absolutely no idea of how to type it? Well, don't fret, for I am here to help you write your very disturbing pairing!<p>

First tip; Ignore everything canon about they're awesome sibling relationship. If you keep thinking about how adorable they are as brother and sister, you'll forget how they're destined to be with each other, no matter how fucked up it seems. A good way to do this is to replace their meaningful relationship as brother and sister with angst and drama in their Romeo-and-Juliet type love. Also forget how their love for each other is that of a sibling nature, instead replacing it their love being that of a romantic nature.

Second tip; Don't listen to the people who tell you that it's really awful to have them love each other romantically when they're still siblings. If you're bothered by this, have them NOT be related, despite them having the same last name and looking very similar, so if they're not related, they're just very, very close, and look a lot alike.

Third tip; When writing their romance, don't have happy hunky dory fun times, have hard, passionate, sexual, shower scenes with them softly whispering into each others ears when no one's home. If you can't write something that intensely passionate, just go with them yelling at each other in the rain about their romance when-conveniently-no one is around. End the scene with one of them shutting the other up with a hard, passionate kiss, and softly whispering to each other once more, even though it doesn't make much sense. And if you want to, make one of the twins totally sexual as the other isn't. It helps with drama.

Now, you've gotten your tips, time to put them to good use!

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><p>Dipper panted heavily as he looked around, trying to find his twin, or rather, the girl he affectionately called his twin. They weren't related-well they were- but it felt like they weren't. Kind of. He finally spotted the brunette, and approached her as it started to rain. Looking around a bit nervously, he gently tapped her shoulder. She gasped in surprise when she saw it was him.<p>

"Dipper, what do you want?"

"Mabel, I'm like, super horny right now. Can we have a shower together or something?"

She raised an eyebrow.

"Dipper, why the hell should I satisfy your sexual intentions when I'm dealing with my own drama? Pacifica taped a note to my locker that says I like to suck your dick. Well, I do, but she was really mean about it!"

"Fine, we can beat her up later when you cry and I bravely stand up to her."

"Dipper, what the hell?! You think that's so simple?! She needs to bully me so that I'm super sad in Sweater-Town, and THEN you stand up for me! Otherwise it just seems uncalled for."

"Oh, alright."

They both stood there awkwardly for a few moments as the rain beat down on them. Mabel shivered, and Dipper immediately took off his shirt, placing it on her shoulders. She gave a smile.

"Dipper, even though your shirt is really wet and smalls awful, it's a really nice gesture."

He gave a small smile, and hugged her. They stood there for a few more moments, before Dipper asked;

"Can I have my shirt back? I'm freezing."

She immediately let out a groan of frustration, throwing her hands up in the air.

"I give up! You never let me wear your super gross, unclean shirt for long enough! It's not fair! I just can't do this!"

"Um, I think you're over-reacting-"

"Shut up! I'm tired of standing in the rain, just wearing your dumb shirt, while you shiver from possible hypotherm-"

She was cut off by her brother/not-brother kissing her passionately. She shivered as her took his shirt back, and somehow put it back on himself without breaking contact from their kiss. They slowly departed, both smiling. Dipper gave a sheepish smile, and asked;

"So, wanna hit the shower?"

"Definitely.

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><p>AN: I feel great for writing this, to be honest. Remember, you can suggest a pairing for me to mock/write for in the reviews! Once again, I mean no offense to those who ship Pinecest, I just want to poke fun at a few pairings the people who love this show dream up. Thanks for reading, and please review!


	2. MaBill

A/N: Wow, thanks for all those reviews guys! Now, by popular demand, this chapter will be MaBill. I hope you all love this, you insane weirdos.

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravity Falls, and I don't mean any offense to those who ship MaBill.

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><p>Hello there! Do you ship MaBill, but have no idea how to type it? Well, look no further, for I am here to help you write your very creepy pairing.<p>

First tip; Ignore all canon statements about their relationship in the show, that'll just complicate things! Just try to imagine Mabel as a 20 something year-old, and Bill in a human form for no reason whatsoever. Don't have them slowly but surely build up their relationship, just have him bluntly state something and run off babbling, or have Mabel instantly fall in love because all she cares about are cute boys with blonde hair, summer romance, and glitter. She doesn't care about what's underneath! She's just interested in what's on the surface, for now.

Second tip; Don't ever have MaBill when Bill's a triangle. Always have him in a hot, attractive form so it's less awkward to write. And don't have his human form have any hint of creativity in it either! Just have him be a skinny, white, blonde guy with one eye wearing black and yellow with a top hat and bowtie. It would have to take creative writing, and skill to write him as a triangle, and we all know no one has that skill. Also remember to never have Mabel be only twelve when writing their relationship, because that'd be seriously disgusting. Who knows how old he is? He's probably over a thousand years old, so it'd just be gross. Just have Mabel be a teenager or in her twenties, but never past that age, because then your readers will realize that they age too, and will probably die one day, and you can't have a deep, moral outlook on life and what it means to truly live in a story! That'd just be too much for your readers to comprehend!

Third tip; Whatever you do, have Bill have a deep dark past, so Mabel will sympathize with him, and will find him even more attractive in this way! Just have it simple and not too deep, like, he was human before something cliché happened and now he's a demon, or just say he got bullied a lot. Something that also helps is to have cute fluffy one-shots, or deep, intense sex/shower scenes like Pinecest. You should try to push all matters that involve any of Mabel's friends and family to the side so they can do more things before they're caught. Or just have her family not care about her at all. And don't forget for them to have a completely sexual relationship!

Now, time to put these tips to good use!

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><p>The demon sighed. In his attractive, white, blonde, skinny, human body, he contemplated all his bullies that killed his family that drove him to become a demon. It was totally not a coincidence that Mabel had just so happened to be a descendant of these bullies. It had also let a rift form in their relationship, but they had overcome it, and had sex a few times. He wished she was there at the moment, because he was feeling seriously sexually deprived at the moment. He felt like he needed to see her right then and there. Deciding this to himself, he transported from his extremely lonely not cliché home, which just happened to be the dreamscape.<p>

"Shooting Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrr!" He called, and looked around to see if she was in the room. She wasn't, so he checked around the rest of the shack. He then peered into the bathroom, and heard someone in the shower. With a mischievous smirk, he turned invisible with his demony powers and junk. He stood behind the brunette, and she of course didn't notice him because she was so busy thinking about him being such a sexy demon. Because she was completely sex-deprived too. They were both just wanting to see each other, so she was surprised-pleasantly- when he whispered into her ear. She smiled, and turned around to see him.

She had grown up, and Dipper and Stan conveniently didn't care about her so Bill was always there for her, and they were never bothered. Conveniently. No one was even bothered when she talked to herself at the table and other places, and that she almost never talked to them anymore.

"So, think we could have sex? I'm really sex-deprived. And lonely because your ancestors killed me sorta kinda." She nodded, and what happened next was something with of lots of passion, and sex, and moaning that no one would ever question because of the water drowning out the sounds somehow. When they finished, they both sighed, leaning against the shower wall. Somehow, the blonde had been able to do all this without taking his clothes off.

"I'm so glad I fell in love with you when I was still obsessed with glitter and boys."

"Yeah, you fell for me because of my looks, right?"

"Mmmhmm. I'm so glad I was incredibly shallow, otherwise I never would have found out that even for a triangle with supposedly no past love interests could fuck so good."

He nodded, and pulled her a bit closer.

"I'm happy that my family and friends hate me so we can be together forever."

"Yeah, that's great."

"Bill?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm pregnant."


	3. Dipcifica

A/N: Well, all the reviews are really inspiring! Thanks guys, and sorry for this coming out so late. Homework has really been piling up, so updates might be a bit more scarce than usual. I'll still try to get chapters up, though! Without further ado, Dipcifica!

Disclaimer: I don't own Gravity Falls, or mean any offense to anyone who ships Dipcifica.

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><p>Hello there stranger! Do you want to learn how to write Dipcifica, but have no idea how to write it? Well, have no fear! I'm here to help you with this extremely problematic pairing!<p>

First tip; Don't have these two fall in love naturally and slowly, have Pacifica go through some emotional turmoil, just enough to drive her over the edge to turn to Dipper in utter desperation. And remember to have her parents and society be forcing her to act like a total bitch instead of something original! That'd be too creative, and we all know no one would be able to stand that!

Second tip; Have Mabel be completely against it to the point of almost hating Dipper over something so stupi- er, betraying. Even though the two have made up in the show, and are most likely to be friends, keep Pacifica and Mabel's rivalry present. Just have Pacifica's parents and the rest of the Pines family absolutely hate the fact he's dating her, even though Mabel made up with Pacifica and it's more likely he wouldn't be the one to fall in love with her, and it'd rather be Mab-

THIRD TIP; Whatever you do, make sure Pacifica and Dipper are always denying the fact they love each other, even though it's extremely annoying, repetitive, and very unnecessary. A love-hate relationship is so overdone and cliche, but your readers will love it! Even if it's right out of nowhere and is absolutely forced. Keep Pacifica aiming to break his heart, but she falls in love with him instead, and develops an unhealthy obsession for him!

Now that we've gotten our tips, let's put them to good use!

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><p>Pacifica groaned. Her parents were treating her like garbage, as usual. Why didn't they understand how amazingly talented she was? No one appreciated her, and she was always so lonely, and there was no one who loved her back! Except for-<p>

Dipper.

Her heart swooned thinking about him, but she also hated herself over it. He was a peasant! A commoner! She was much more suited to marry a rich snobby guy she'd hate. Oh, how she loved him, but hated him for his dumb sister, and the stupid reveal of what her family was really like! Even though no one ever really found out about it, and Dipper had completely moved away. But she still hated him! She hated the stupid way he liked protecting his sister, even though Mabel had never really provoked Pacifica, and she was pulling ideas out of her ass to keep hating them.

Groaning once more, the blonde opened her walk-in closet. There was a small shrine of pictures of Dipper from over the years, most of them looking angry or surprised at her taking such close pictures of him. She lit a few candles on the shrine to illuminate it. She sighed, and Pacifica gazed at a picture of Dipper screaming as she barged in on him in the shower. Such good times. Why didn't he love her? Was it because she made constant physical and verbal attacks on his family, mainly his sister? That would be ridiculous! After all, he had done something so heinous as to reveal that her great-grandpa wasn't the founder of the town! Even though no one found out about it...

She scoffed. There were still so many reasons for why she hated/loved him! He never cleaned himself, he was Mabel's brother, he was a brunette, he, um, had his nose in a dumb book all the time, uh, he cared for Mabel, well, hmmmm... She was starting to sound more and more like an asshole, which was surprising to her. She had never seen herself as an asshole until now! But her parents had berated her for the most mundane things throughout the years, so having douche-bag parents would make up for her being an asshole, right? Right!

Still, she wanted to try and become closer to him, even if this meant being around his sister. Ugh, Mabel. She was just so annoying with her dumb things that only a child would like! She was just dumb and stupid and a poop face!

Pacifica sighed.

Maybe she was too obsessed with him for this to be healthy. She glanced back at her disturbing shrine.

She sighed.

Again.

"One day, Dipper, one day... Because my parents are douche-bags right now I can't be with you, but soon I will... soon..."


End file.
